Friday, April 1, 2011


So I just got the most awesome comment ever on my 10 Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team. I am unsure if it's comically serious, or a hilariously time April Fool's joke.

Will I share it with you all? Of course I will!

"lame. obviously you're not a comic reader. i worked at marvel for 5 yrs and i hate lame ass, phony, hipster snarky shit that always ignore the elements that make characters dynamic and worth writing. you're pathetic."

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out this post is Anonymous. And nothing really backs up any credential one uses like being Anonymous. I'm JUST saying.
Also, I didn't realize I'm a hipster. Totally awesome.
Also, at no point do I actually disparage any character as not being "dynamic" or "worth writing" i just point out, you know, why they wouldn't be your FAVORITE co-worker if you had to be on a team with them.
Finally, I want to point out that these are not real people. They're super heroes who are always written with a ridiculous amount of seriousness. All of them, if they were real, would take shits. Stinky shits.

" worthless and weak two gun kid? he's a very good shot, leader of a superteam, has a robotic horse, has plenty of hi-tech weapons"

it should be noted that my only actual gripe about Two Gun Kid was that he lived in the Old West. And that he would never, ever show up for missions that way. Also, that a six shooter isn't much good against Kang.
Which is true.
I felt like that robot horse was even too ridiculous for me to bring up.

"falcon was trained by cap in fighting, espionage and the like. he's like a special forces trooper that flies."

Hey, I actually started the Falcon post with the following "Someone just said "Hey man, you leave Sam Wilson alone! He's a solid hero!" Okay. I mean, you're right, he's reliable, for the most part, he's loyal, he's pretty sharp" Obviously, the joke with Falcon is that 1) Flying is lame if it's all you do, and 2) with a little bit of mind control he goes all Black Power terrifying on you. That's a drawback on a team that's composed 98% of white folk.
If you said in your brain "HE DOESN"T JUST FLY, HE CAN SEE THROUGH A BIRD'S EYES, TOO!" And don't see how that would be up for ridicule next to, like, Thor and Iron Man, then you clearly don't see why these characters are remotely humorous.

And these are 9 and 10 out of 10. I'm even admitting they're solid, but fallible.

"tigra, come on. super str, agility, claws?"

Tigra is a little bit easy. Who, also, has terrible taste in men. Maybe "working at Marvel" you missed the opportunity to work with women in close confines, but you DO NOT want to work that lady. That lady makes you lose faith in all of humanity.

Also, her costume would be a distraction. It's distracting me just thinking about it. It's more distracting than even Power Girl's.

"rage may only be a kid but you know what? he's been trained by the powerhouses of the avengers. his age has no bearing on anything."

Okay, first off on Rage. You and me can form two Survivor Series style teams. But one of your team members has to just be the biggest 13 year old kid you can find. I win. AND, secondly, you're wrong, When he was put on the Avengers he had came straight out of the New Warriors. He wasn't trained at all, unless the local Boys and Girls club had a self defense class for Middle Schoolers before he went all gigantor strong.
And he'll hot rod the Quinjet with his friends! And he doesn't clean up his room.

"Demolition man doesnt have a lack of confidence. do your research."

I did. Captain America 340. "In the latter conflict, Demolition-Man tried to apprehend the villainess Titania. However, Titania's strength far exceeeded his, and she threw him off a cliff, nearly killing him. After the encounter with Titania, Dunphy lost confidence in himself.[3] Soon afterward, the Commission on Superhuman Activities arrested and interrogated him.

Upon his release, Dunphy found Rogers trying to reconstitute his team the Avengers (Earth-616), and Dunphy joined the team on an informal basis. To help Battlestar, Dunphy and Rogers flew to the Arctic to rescue Battlestar's partner, US Agent (the former Super-Patriot), from ULTIMATUM. Dunphy, still unsure of himself, waited in an Avengers Quinjet while Rogers and Battlestar investigated."

Ahem. Also. King of the Hoboes.

"jack of hearts has the power to destroy the earth ten times over, cracked silver surfer's skin and withstood graviton, magneto AND electro. 3 of the most powerful energy based villains in marvel"

And yet was the mopiest, emo, cry baby to ever join the Avengers. Ever.
That's all I'm saying!
Was he super powerful? Sure.
But if he's always going on and on about that stupid Zero Suit and being pretty much an over-sensitive crybaby about EVERYTHING? Who cares?
Shit, without Tony Stark he would've just blown himself up and he didn't even THANK Tony for that.
He's a cry-bitch.
With super duper powers.
You don't want that dude on your team. He's a downer, he's a distraction and he's bad for team moral.

"hank pym.. really? REALLY? he's the scientist supreme appointed by eternity."

Hank Pym, really. Wife beater, confidence loser, ultron maker, criminal, multiple personalities...yeah. That dude. West Coast Avengers Era Hank Pym is one of my favorite super dudes of all time. He wore that awesome red jumpsuit and kept shrunken gizmoes in his pockets. But. Dude was a HOT MESS before that. And really after that it's presumed he was a fucking skrull the whole time.

So. When he wasn't being just a complete emotional wreck causing damage either directly or indirectly to his teammates and was actually useful...he was probably not even Hank Pym. He was probably a skrull.

Oh yeah, and he put his ex-wife's brain patterns in a robot. And you know he's fucking that robot. So, yeah. One has to wonder if Reed Richards was in the Negative Zone when Eternity was looking to hand out titles.

Hey, my whole schtick is the humanization and the humorization of these super-dudes. Look at my 4 panel comics or the couple of super hero tribute stories I've posted and pretty much anything comic related I posted. These guys are taken way too serious for being completely, completely ridiculous. I say that out of love, man. And I'm not even saying these guys stink. I just wouldn't want to go to work with them every day or rely upon them to responsibly and efficiently handle their part of the work while we're saving the universe. I do, more or less say these guys suck, though.

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