Saturday, August 28, 2010

10 Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team

I don't know if you've been paying attention but there's a whole lot of new Avengers teams going on, and it's been like this for awhile. For about the last 5 years Marvel has been rolling out New Avengers, Mighty Avengers, Dark Avengers, Secret Avengers, Potato Avengers, Original Avengers, Avenger Avengers, etc, etc, ad nauseum. It's always very exciting, you know. Who's going to be on this Avengers team? Who's going to be on THAT Avengers team? Well, here's 10 former Avengers you probably don't want to bring back.

10. Two Gun Kid
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Two-Gun Kid

POWERS: None. Shoots pistols.

Two Gun Kid isn't actually all that bad of a dude. I mean, sure gun shooting guys are probably not all that useful when fighting the Wrecker or Ultron. So why is he on here? Because he only exists in the Wild West. So the only time you will ever need/use/see him is when you're doing your super-heroing in the Wild West. In the past. Look, there's no super villainy in the 19th Century, anyway. Kang is not conquering 1890s Texas. Promise. Thanks for nothing, Two Gun.

9. Falcon
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Falcon

POWERS: FLIES

Someone just said "Hey man, you leave Sam Wilson alone! He's a solid hero!" Okay. I mean, you're right, he's reliable, for the most part, he's loyal, he's pretty sharp, just... Look, if you said to me "Hey, man, now you can fly." I would crap my pants in excitement. That would be spectacular. But let's be honest, as a super hero super power that's the throw in. Flying in a super-fight isn't really really useful. And don't even start talking about his bird friends, or whatever.
But my prejudice against the usefulness of comic book characters that only fly isn't why he's here. It's because with even the slightest amount of mind control Sam almost always does something like this:
Falcon no!
Yikes!

8. Tigra

Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Tigra

POWERS: Cat like powers of agility and jumping and claws and stuff. Also, bathing suit excellence.

Again, someone is saying "what? no way, dude." And I know, I know. Tigra is solid in a fight. Well, sometimes, I mean the Hood beat her up on camera phone to make a point. But look, here's why she's on the team. Look at how she's dressed. For a team that's almost always comprised of men she's a distraction. One time she saved the world from being destroyed with her hotness. Which is cool, but if her milkshake is strong enough to distract molecule man amidst a homicidal rage imagine what its going to do to Iron Man after a couple of drinks.
Also she hooked up with Hank Pym, who's a known wife beater. Clearly she has confidance or self esteem issues. But still, at No. 8, these guys aren't all that bad, right?

And you know what else? Sometimes she has a tail and sometimes she doesn't, and I just think that's creepy.

Also, that all being said, for a team made almost entirely of men she's also on the list of people you want on your Avengers team. I know. It's contradicting.

This type of thing was always happening:

Wasp: It's crucial we get our timing right here. Wonder Man you're going to flank Ultron from the east. Hercules you charge up the middle, you'll be our distraction while Tigra, Iron Man and Me bring in the viral disruptor he brought. If we all hit at once we should be able to finally stop Ultron. Are you ready? Avengers Assemble!

...

Guys? What the fuck? I said, "Avengers Assemble."

Wonder Man: Sorry, Janet can you say that again? Tigra dropped her cell phone there and...

Herc: That maiden doth not bend at the knees!



7. Rage
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Rage

POWERS: Standard Strong Guy Powerset: Super strength, nigh-invulnerability

He's 13, People. I know he looks like a Totally, Bad-Ass, Scary, Adult Black Dude, but he's 13. He once stole a Quinjet with his buddies. No one wants to hang out with a thirteen year old unless they're it's parents. There's a lot to like about Rage as a useful team mate, but whenever you're having lunch in the Avengers Mansion and he's having lunchables and talking about Justin Bieber it's just going to be a drag.

6. Marrina
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Marrina

POWERS: Swim swim, breath underwater.

Swimming powers are even more useless than flying powers. In fact, you're probably more likely to get into a super hero fight in the old west than one in the water. But that's not why she's on the list. She's not even an Avenger! She's the Yoko Ono of Avengers. She was married to Namor (The Sub-Mariner) when he was pretty much leading one of the crappiest Avengers line ups, ever (FYI: Dr. Druid, Black Knight, She-Hulk, Photon, and Namor and Marrina)
I mean she's quiet, she doesn't really get in your business, but she's ALWAYS around and you know she's not supposed to be there. Hanging on Namor's arm, asking if he needs a drink or anything. Maybe a fresca.
Oh and sometimes this happens, just because :
marrina
Oh yeah, and if you get her pregnant she turns into this Giant Alien Leviathon of doom and you probably'll have to use your homie's Magic Sword to kill her. (Could not find a pic of that, but believe me it's awesome)


5. Demolition Man (D-Man)
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Demolition Man (D-Man)

POWERS: Standard Strong Guy Powers, but on the weaker side

D-Man (real name Dennis Dunphy, for Alliteration's Sake) got his powers originally from super drugs, started hanging out with Captain America and Falcon and some how got to start hanging out with the Avengers. And when I say "some how" I mean because he was Captain America's homie. D-Man actually seems like he'd be alright. Good natured and a good time. Okay, but that dude has ZERO SELF CONFIDANCE. Like, negative zero. Or something. One time, in the midst of a super hero rescue mission he STAYED IN THE QUINJET. And then he almost got blown up in it. I'm telling you, this is the kind of guy you can't rely on in a super hero team. I think he was a hard drinker too, but I can't find internet sites to verify it.
Oh, and later on he became the King of the Homeless People. For real.

Also, when he was making his costume he intentionally combined the worst aspects of Daredevil and Wolverine, so if we're not adding lack of imagination here we have to add awful fashion sense. You just know when not in his D-Man suit he's either constantly wearing Hawaiian shirts, or possibly was one of those guys who popped their collars.

King of the Homeless.

4. Jack of Hearts
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Jack Of Hearts

POWERS: He can fly, he can fly in space, he shoots power-beams out of his hands (Which he uses to fly. Fist powered flight is the lamest way to fly. trust me. You can't scratch your nose, or get the bugs out of your eyes while cruising along. You're better off with Butterfly wings), and other generic type powers. Resistant to damage. I mean, you get it.

Jack Of Hearts was infused with the generically named ZERO ENERGY (OOOOH!) which he was exposed to thanks to his daddy on accident. So he had a suit built to contain it. Anyway, long story short that suit didn't work worth a shit. Sure he was strong enough, power-wise, to punk out Kang (which is a guaranteed "in" to join the Avengers), but he had to sit in a room for 14 hours a day to let the energy chill out. And he was WAY EMO ABOUT IT. Always pouting around, snapping at his homies. In the end he blew himself up along with Ant-Man 2. Ant-Man 2 could've made this list, because "shrinking" is uber lame, but apparently he owned an electronics store. Which actually seems useful OH, and his (ant-Man 2) daughter is Stature.

Anyway, Jack of Hearts? Total downer. No thanks.

3. Starfox
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Starfox

POWERS: Flight, Nigh-Invulnerably, Super Strength, LUSTY MIND POWERS

Starfox has a power that he can make you want to get in his pants. He's a total horndog, too, so he's always taking advantage of it. And he's a creep. I'm not 100% sure that guys are safe from him. You do not, do not, do not want that guy around.

He's going to creep your team out ALL THE TIME.

You remember this:
Starfox is Awesome

2. Scarlet Witch
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Scarlet Witch

POWERS: Magic Reality Altering Powers

Okay, this bitch is straight up crazy.
1) She fell in love with a robot.
2) She used her magic to make that robot have sperm that could get her pregnant
3) She had robot babies that were perfectly human.
--no one said anything--
4) That was all magic, obviously, you have to be crazy to a) sleep with a robot and b) make robot babies with your magic powers on accident
5) She changed the entire universal reality, once, so that mutants no longer exist(she's a mutant, btw, not an actual witch, but you know...a mutant powered one. she doesn't have actual magic training.) She committed genocide on her own race, man!
6) she flipped out AND DESTROYED THE AVENGERS. How? Like so:
a) Brought Jack of Hearts back to life to blow a bunch of Avengers u[
b) causes her ex-robo baby daddy to crash a jet into the mansion and bust up some Avengers
c) causes She-Hulk to actually hulk up and kill former robo-baby-daddy (The Vision)
d) brings in an alien race to invade the planet
oh and she does this UNINTENTIONALLY
7) commited genocide on the mutants with three words (No More Mutants). Oh, and again, she IS a mutant.

I bet you're wondering what's worse. Or you already knew.

1. Hank Pym
Former Avengers You Do Not Want On Your Avengers Team:  Hank Pym

POWERS: Shrinks, grows, makes things shrink and grow

I don't even know where to start with this guy. He pretty combines all the lame attributes of the previous 9 people here.

Okay, so he's a super scientist and he's an original Avenger as Ant-Man who could shrink to ant size. File under: Worthless Power. Sure he could talk to ants to. Yawn. His lady friend, super hot Janet Pym, he gave shrinking powers, too - but she could also fly and shoot power beams. So he made his lady better than him. What?
Early on he solved a fight with his brain. On a team with Thor, Captain American and Iron Man who are super power houses this was great, because he was already sweating the dumb power thing. So he gets to be the smart guy on the team. But then he sees Iron Man is Tony Stark who's a total super genius mental powerhouse. So he mopes.
Then he comes back the next day as Giant-Man, who can grow. And you'd think that'd be okay, but, you know, it's not, really. Because Thor and Iron Man can one shot a bad guy and all you can do hope you don't fall on people when you get shot. Which you will because you're a really obvious target. So he and Wasp quit for a little bit before he comes back again as Giant-Man but calls himself Goliath, presumably because Giant-Man is a dumb name.
Then, trying to be helpful he accidentally makes Ultron. Ultron is an indestructible, ROBOT OF DOOM that single handedly will kick the crap out of the Avengers for the rest of all the Avengers lives. Repeatedly.
Then he goes ape-shit nuts and thinks he's not Hank Pym anymore, he's Yellowjacket - who does the same thing as his previous iterations but has the Wasps power beams (Finally, Hank! Come on!). He also, being nuts, finally marries super hot lady friend Wasp then snaps out his crazy AT THE WEDDING. But Wasp knew it was him, because she's been sleeping with him for, like, 20 years.
Then he gets turned into a caveman (for a little bit).
Then he decides he needs to regain his confidance, and good image to the Avengers. So he builds ANOTHER evil robot to fight and show the Avengers he doesn't suck, but Wasp finds out about it.
SO he slaps his wife.
HE'S A WIFE BEATER!
Needless to say he gets divorced and kicked out of the Avengers. In which he then proceeds to see his wife hook up with every eligible bachelor.
So he's a sad Hank. Again.
At some point in here he makes Jocasta, which is another robot. But with his wife's brain patterns. Creepy.
But then he gets to hook up with Tigra, so that's cool. And he becomes an advisor to the Avengers, and SHIELD and the US Govenment. He's on his way back!
No. He was a skrull impersonating Hank. And even that skrull got jacked up.
But then he comes back, but during the whole, Skrully, Secret Avengers thing his former wife, The Wasp got straight killed off.
So what does any respectful guy do?
He becomes his fifth persona. THE WASP. Oh yeah, and is probably making love to his wife-brained Jocasta robot.

Oh, Hank. You are a hot mess.

In Summation he possesses the shortcomings of every character on this list: Lame powers, lack of self confidance, moping crybaby, created a blood hungry nemesis for the team, beat his wife, was crucial in the near success of Secret Invasion makes love to robots and is in general an all around loser.

5 comments:

  1. What you said about Wanda had me rolling. Kudos!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ha ha very cool love your stuff

    ReplyDelete
  3. Found this post via Super Punch. Awesome. New follower.

    ReplyDelete
  4. lame. obviously you're not a comic reader. i worked at marvel for 5 yrs and i hate lame ass, phony, hipster snarky shit that always ignore the elements that make characters dynamic and worth writing.

    you're pathetic. worthless and weak

    two gun kid?
    he's a very good shot, leader of a superteam, has a robotic horse, has plenty of hi-tech weapons

    falcon was trained by cap in fighting, espionage and the like. he's like a special forces trooper that flies.

    tigra, come on. super str, agility, claws?

    rage may only be a kid but you know what? he's been trained by the powerhouses of the avengers. his age has no bearing on anything.

    demolition man doesnt have a lack of confidence. do your research.

    jack of hearts has the power to destroy the earth ten times over, cracked silver surfer's skin and withstood graviton, magneto AND electro. 3 of the most powerful energy based villains in marvel

    hank pym.. really? REALLY? he's the scientist supreme appointed by eternity.

    ReplyDelete