Thursday, December 31, 2009

Z is for Zzzax

Z is for Zzzax

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Zzzax is a giant monster made out of electricity! He fights The Hulk. He can even control your nervous system. And, he's a GIANT, ELECTRICITY MONSTER.

Should be awesome.

Iron Man beat him with a fire hydrant.

::Sigh::

Y is for Yellow Claw

Y is for Yellow Claw


ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Trust me, the bad poem says it all...albeit mis-spelled.

He's just a Fu Manchu rip off.

That's it.

Seriously.

He's both culturally insensitive and super villainously lame.

Monday, December 28, 2009

X is for Xorn

Also, I clearly can't count days to alphabets. It's Monday, I'm on X, so Wednesday is going to be Z, where I really wanted Z to be on the last day of the year. I'll come up with something. And, yes, GPT is taking the rest of the year off.

X is for Xorn

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so to start a Retcon, or Retroactive Continuity, is the "the deliberate changing of previously established facts in a work of serial fiction."

Xorn is a clusterfuck of a retcon.

I'm just going to try and set him up, with as few jokes as possible just so you can see what a mess he is.

Grant Morrison is a comic book writer who is always working on a different level than everyone else - sometimes his stuff is genius, sometimes it's just stretching too hard for the genre and more of a confusing mess than epic storytelling, BUT, for the most part his run on New X-Men was pretty genius and he came up with Xorn.

Xorn is an imprisoned chinese mutant who's energy output is so great that he has to wear this mask. His power is described as "He has a star for a brain." X-Men stop him before he takes off his mask and thus destroys the world. X-Men say come hang out with us, you get a cool jacket.
Xorn also turns out to have amazing healing powers and is, like, the most optimistic mutant you've ever seen. he starts teaching the "special" classes at Xavier Institute.
And then...he takes his mask off and he's Magneto. And he proceeds to unleash Magneto Hell. Destroys the X-Mansion, takes over NYC, kills a shit ton of people, etc.
But...Magneto? What?
Okay, so Morrison says he had this planned from the begininng, and since I haven't read the entire series I have to go with a few websites that say that it's totally true, but so subtly done it's awesome. I'm skeptical (Retcon #1).

Any way, though, Xorn is Magneto, albeit the lamest version possible, okay?

Oh, and at the end of all this chaos, Wolverine lops off Magneto's head.


Hold on, don't go anywhere. There's more.

Marvel, in all their wisdom really like the Xorn character and, of course, they like Magneto too. And they're upset that Morrison "killed" them off.

Okay, so Magneto is buried in Genosha (which is the mutant continent).

But, like, a week later Professor X runs into Magneto. Not dead.

Oh yeah and then Xorn shows up (Retcon #2).

Xorn tells the X-People that he is Xorn's twin brother (new Xorn being Shen Xorn, old Xorn being Kuan-Yin Xorn) and that Old Xorn was taken over by some sort of bacteris mutant or something and was PRETENDING TO BE MAGNETO.
What?
Okay, so then because that didn't make any sense it was decided that Scarlet Witch actually made a duplicate of Magneto who then went through the whole Xorn thing. Not the real Magneto (Retcon #3). Then the new Xorn dies or something.

Okay.

So Scarlet Witch who has chaos powers (if that makes any sense to you, I hope it does - I can't explain it now, explaining something else you see) and does this thing where she gets rid of all the mutants, but not really, just all but 198 of them (198 exactly, people). And Xorn is one of them.
Okay?

NO.

Retcon #4: The entire Mutant super powers come storming out of space and hit this postal worker in Alaska and he's mega powered and he goes on this destrcutive rampage. It turns out that, some how all that super powers is being controlled by...right, XORN. Who's so powerful than when his powers are shot into space And he explains that "took the image of Magneto, because he knew mutants would follow him." When he busted up New York. What?
So disembodies Xorn power, that is still Xorn, gives Magneto back his powers (he wasn't one of the lucky 198). And then he gets killed, some how, when a minor super hero gives Magneto a stroke, or something. Aparently, some how his Xorn energy is thrown into the sun or something by the Sentry, who's frankly, always throwing people into space.*

What the fuck?

You have to admit.

That's lame.

I'm exhausted now.


*this last retcon is the work of Brian Michael Bendis who some people think is a genius. I tend to disagree.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

W is for Wizard

W is for The Wizard

Okay, the Wizard is another villain I adore, but let's be honest, despite the fact that he, as leader of the Frightful Four has more than once given the Fantastic Four a run for their money, the fact of the matter is...well, he's a penis, right?

Look at that outfit. Right? And his whole thing is that he's a genius and sort of mis-guided.

He's a penis.

RIGHT?

Wizard has always been crazy smart, he (like the Fixer) have built their criminal career on awesome gizmos (anti-gravity discs being a Wizard go to). Originally he used his tech to be a fake magician calling himself (I kid you not) The Wingless Wizard.

I think his primary motivation as a criminal is to prove that he's smarter than Reed "Mr. Fantastic" Richards and well, add that to the lame list - b/c Mr Fantastic is the smartest guy in the Marvel Universe (Sorry, Doom).

And again...he's a penis, right?

Oh, and the Frightful Four are always trying to imitate the Three-Guys-And-A-Girl formula of the Fantastic Four and I'm telling you EVERY TIME whoever that girl is ends up betraying.

Phallic costume.
Misguided Intellect.
Constantly ruined by woman.

He's a penis.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

V is for Vulture

V is for Vulture

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Oh, Vulture.

Okay, look, if i was going to make an ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Heroes then Old School Angel would be on it, because his power is that he can fly. And not fly at hypersonic speeds, and not even really safely carry anyone while he's doing it. Just being able to fly in real life would be awesome, but in a world of super powers is pretty lame.

Now, take that and be 80 years old.

Old man.

Villain.

Okay, so to be fair, I just read his wiki and Vulture has actually been an okayish villain. Apparently he always cashes in on his grudges with relative success. He's successfully got his revenge on:
1) The guy who helped build his flight harness then cashed on on the design.
2) The guy who replaced him for a bit as the Vulture.
3) The gang of kids (Vulturions) who stole his design
4) The entire New York mob (thus becoming new crime lord.
5) A mobster who hired a hitman who was going to kill Spider-Man, thus ruining his chance for revenge.
6) Cancer

And he was in every iteration of the Sinister Six.

Maybe, I was wrong about you Vulture.

Ha.

Nope.

Old man villain.

I mean, you know he has a green adult diaper on under there. And clearly he's a man suffering from osteoporosis.

Hilarious.

Friday, December 25, 2009

U is for Unus

U is for Unus

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

What's this insanity you speak of?

You've never heard of Unus, the Untouchable?

UNBELIEVABLE.

Unus is an old school X-Villain, so he's not ridiculous, with overcomplicated storylines and desperate attempts at making him tough and gritty.
He used to run with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Factor Three (which included the Vanisher who's original costume alone should've put him on this list, but I didn't want so many x-villains). And you know, fought those darn X-Men.

But, he does wear a sweater.
Yup.
A sweater.

Oh, what can Unus do? He has a force field. All the time. You can't touch him, you can't hurt him, he can't touch you, either.

Force fields, as you know, are shields of protection that keep things out, but it must be cold in there, thus explaining the sweater.

Okay, so how lame is Unus?

Here how lame: Once, his powers got a *little* out of control and his force field started to keep oxygen out. And he died.

HILARIOUS!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

T is for Trapster

T is for Trapster

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Fair to say that Paste-Pot Pete is the least intimidating villain name ever. Kite Man is scarier.

I really love all the Frightful Four members. They actually have some nice synergy and while villainous none ever seem all that evil.

Usually, I write a little diatribe about how lame these guys are, but for The Trapster I'm going to keep it simple.

One time, The Trapster was defeated by the Fantastic Four's building.

Happy Holidays.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

S is for Stilt-Man

S is for Stilt-man

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, Stilt-Man, explain yourself.

"Well, I'm a thief, and I have this exoskeleton that makes me really tall. Like my legs are stilts. Get it?"

Okay.

Why do you need to be tall?

"Because of...you know...uh..."

In comics books are banks on the top floors of very tall buildings?

"Well, no, but..."

You're dead now, right?

"Uh, yeah."

Thank God.

Further proof that early Daredevil villains may be the lamest of them all.

He's tall, people.

Not a giant.

Just...long legged.

Like the daddy long legs of villainy. If daddy long legs weren't spiders. And only had two legs.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

R is for Random

R is for Random

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

90s Mutant Enemies are massively lame.
Look, he's a tough guy!
He doesn't shave regularly!
He has a gun hand!

GRITTY!

So he's a bounty hunter who can make a gun hand, he can also counter mutant powers. That sounds pretty cool, yeah?

He's not.

He's pink, yo.

With a vest.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Q is for Quasimodo

Q is for Quasimodo

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so Quasimodo is lame because, well, no one has ever actually read a Quasimodo comic. But he's been around forever with varying levels of impressive power.

Mad Thinker made him (Lame Villain Daddy) as a super computer. Silver Surfer met him, felt bad that he wasn't human like he wanted and gave him an ugly ass body, then Quasi got pissed that his humanish body was ugly. So then he's evil.

See?

People are never happy, even when you give them what you want. Or, um, Advanced Computer Intelligences are never happy, even when you give them what they want.

Then they go on universal super evil. But not Thanos super evil, more like...if space had a janitor, and that janitor was evil.

Something like that.

EVIL COMPUTER! BEWARE!


(Also, like, no Q villains.)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

P is for Princess Python

P is for Princess Python

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

There's lame and there's lamer. Princess Python got her start working for...wait for it...THE CIRCUS OF CRIME.

Yes.

The Circus of Crime.

What can she do?

She's a snake charmer. She has a really big snake. The snake has no special powers, or abilities, it's just a snake.

Oh, she's kind of a whore, too.

So she's a *snake* charmer, if you know what I mean. The whore thing isn't really used criminally, though. It's just her way.

Circus of Crime.

Circus of Crime is lame enough I could've used them for most of these letters. Here's the members, you can imagine their lameness by their names alone: Ringmaster, The Clown, The Human Cannonball, Bluto the Strongman, The Great Gambonnos and Live Wire.

She also joined the Serpeant Society (because it's a snake themed team, and presumably, they needed a lady). Who aren't as lame as The Circus of Crime, but she was totally their weak link - in fact, I think she frequently fell in love with their adversary and turned on the Society a couple of times.

Oh yeah, and apparently she was married to Stilt-Man, and then The Gibbon. I mean, you might as well just kill yourself.

Oh, hold on. I kid you not, Princess and her Circus of Crime compatriots, as a group, were defeated by Howard the Duck.

TWICE!

::absinthe::

Saturday, December 19, 2009

O is for Owl

O is for Owl

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

I'm not going to mess with you here, Owl was supposed to be Daredevil's nemesis. They built him up (Buttercup), they took him from a Wall Street dude that could glide, to a mutant with Owl powers who was a criminal kingpin.

The problem?

Presumably that he looks friggin' ridiculous. He's wearing a green Sherlock Holmes coat.

He has OWL powers.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

And, yes, he eats mice occasionally.

Last time I saw The Owl people were taking DNA out of his back to make some sort of mutant drug. I mean, really?

Ha.

OWL POWERS.

Also, his death has been ignored . The Hood (an actual, intimidating criminal kingpin and overall bad guy) shot him in the head, and a few months later he showed up in Daredevil being all sorts of lame.

I know what you're thinking, because I keep bringing this back up, "Kyle, no one stays dead in comics." And you're right. But usually everyone is just brought back through some convoluted resurrection. These guys are so lame that you just don't bother to keep track if they're alive or dead. Probably, after the issue comes out, one of your homies says "Hey, dude, you wrote the Owl in this story, but he's dead." And you just go, "Oh. Whoopsies!"

Friday, December 18, 2009

Conan The Barbarian

Guinea Pig Theatre: Conan The Barbarian

My friend Bryan Bretz drew this because he's obsessed with barbarians and warriors and swordfighting and whatnot. I would link you to his site, but he doesn't have one. Because he's a weirdy.

Not counting this towards the 100, but I am taking the weekend off.

Enjoy someone else's bloody guinea pig sword mess.

N is for Nebula

N is for Nebula

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so to be fair, Nebula is a super feared space pirate, the grand-daighter of one of the most feared beings in the galaxy, Thanos.

but she doesn't ever do anything.

She stole the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos when he had it (awesome) but then, despite having the most powerful weapon in the universe. I mean, we're talking about somethign that allows you to do WHATEVER YOU WANT. She was defeated by Starfox. Who would definitely be the S in ABCs of Mediocre Super Heroes.

Then she went to jail.

And I'm pretty sure for awhile there Thanos disfigured the crap out of her.

Also, N's are pretty thin for choices, and I felt bad at the lack of women to this point.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

M is for Man-Ape

M is for Man-Ape

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Man-Ape does get his powers from a monkey he ate. His powers? He's sort of strong. And he's gorilla agile.

He's a Black Panther villain - and while I highly recommend the John Romita Jr run on Black Panther, his villains are lame.

Man-Ape is a frequent member and co-conspirator with the Lethal Legion. Which has been honored by such villainous luminaries as The Living Laser, Power Man, Whirlwind and the ever popular lame villain The Grim Reaper.

Oh Man-Ape.

(Also, I bet you're all shocked I didn't do MODOK.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

L is for Legion

L is for Legion

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so he was designed by Bill Sienkowicz, so when drawn by him he...okay, he still looks ridiculous, but he looks stylized ridiculous. If you know who Bill Sienkowicz is (especially in the terms of mutant comic books) you know what I mean.

Let's see if I can work this out. It's not easy.

Legion is Professor X's illegitimate son so he's massively super brain powered. But he's ape shit nuts. Back when I was reading he had three personalities and each one controlled a different brain power (I'm a little Cyndi, I have pyrokinetic powers!). Are you getting this? Illegitimate son with multiple personalities?

UGH.

Super soap opera.

Frankly he's done stuff as a an attempted X-Man nemesis which is a big old mess involving time travel (yeah, he can do that), and psi-blades, and more and more personalities and absorbing people's brains or something. I mean, he's a total mess.

He's got Kidd and Play hair!

Stay away from Legion.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

K is for Klaw

K is for Klaw

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Klaw is another villain that really isn't all that bad - though he is, primarily, nemesis to Black Panther, who despite his awesomeness is sort of a second rate hero.

Klaw's been in version of the Masters of Evil fighting the Avengers and Frightful Four fighting the Fantastic Four. He's been around, he's mixed it up.

Okay, here's the thing.

He's made out of sound.

He's a dude that's made out of sound.

And that thing on his hand? He shoots sounds at you.

He's a sound guy.

Lame.

Monday, December 14, 2009

J is for Jack O'Lantern

J is for  Jack O'Lantern

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

This can be a "Just LOOK at him" situation, right?

Oh, he had a little golden thing he used to be bounce around on. He has a pumpkin head, people!

Okay, if memory serves...there was a guy who was poor man's Green Goblin who called himself Hobgoblin. Already we're second tier. He had some demon or something in him to make him "scarier" than Green Goblin, but everyone knew a bad copy when they see it. So eventually he got it spit out of him (becoming Demogoblin, no joke) and then, b/c he couldn't give up his ways he put a pumpkin on his head.

Sadder still is that, like, 4 people have dressed up this way.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I is for Iron Monger

I is for Iron Monger

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Just like it says - Iron Monger isn't really all that bad of a villain. Obadiah Stane was the head man of Stane International, a munitions dealer, who was pals with Tony Stark(Iron Man)'s dad. He's definitely the first economic villain, that I know of (if that's the phrase) _ initially, his evil was just in the hostile takeover of Stark Industries via a compicated plot that involved Stark being romantically involved with one of Stane's henchmen villains, blocking his international business, etc. He was even evil enough to get Stark to relapse into Alcoholism, and eventually into becoming a homeless vagrant.
And, of course, he stole Stark Industies away from Tony Stark. Building his own much larger, bluer Iron Man armor.

Pretty bad ass, really.

BUT.

This also, of course, just made Tony Stark stronger. Which is no condemnation of Stane. Stark gets his shit back together and, of course, turns the table on Iron Monger and pounds the crap out of him and has him all but up shit creek when Stane offs himself.

He KILLED HIMSELF.

I often wonder if Iron Man fans were all "holy moley!" and "wowzers" over that moment. But I've read some of that run, including the climactic issue and really it just seems out of character, and cowardly.

Also, the "I" options in Marvel Villiany are pretty slim. So I got to draw a big ass robot.

I is for Iron Monger

I is for Iron Monger

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Just like it says - Iron Monger isn't really all that bad of a villain. Obadiah Stane was the head man of Stane International, a munitions dealer, who was pals with Tony Stark(Iron Man)'s dad. He's definitely the first economic villain, that I know of (if that's the phrase) _ initially, his evil was just in the hostile takeover of Stark Industries via a compicated plot that involved Stark being romantically involved with one of Stane's henchmen villains, blocking his international business, etc. He was even evil enough to get Stark to relapse into Alcoholism, and eventually into becoming a homeless vagrant.
And, of course, he stole Stark Industies away from Tony Stark. Building his own much larger, bluer Iron Man armor.

Pretty bad ass, really.

BUT.

This also, of course, just made Tony Stark stronger. Which is no condemnation of Stane. Stark gets his shit back together and, of course, turns the table on Iron Monger and pounds the crap out of him and has him all but up shit creek when Stane offs himself.

He KILLED HIMSELF.

I often wonder if Iron Man fans were all "holy moley!" and "wowzers" over that moment. But I've read some of that run, including the climactic issue and really it just seems out of character, and cowardly.

Also, the "I" options in Marvel Villiany are pretty slim. So I got to draw a big ass robot.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

H is for Hammerhead

H is for Hammerhead

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Okay, so it's pretty hard to be a street level villain in a super hero world and not be a little lame to begin with. Sure, there are exceptions, but, you know, not really. Think about it.

You know, deep down, you don't really take Kingpin seriously, and he's done some really messed up stuff. And he messes up guys WITH powers.

Okay, Hammerhead is like a poor man's Kingpin. Except he's got a flat head with metal in it. That's right. He has a hammer head. And he's a poor man's Kingpin. He's not even, really, a very good super hero mafia leader.

He teamed up with Chameleon...when CHAMELEON was trying to be Mafia Kingpin. HE WAS PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE TO CHAMELEON.

In a desperate attempt to de-lame him, they've recently given him the Wolverine-Entire-Skeleton-Is-Metal treatment.

Sorry, Hammerhead. Still lame.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I draw small

I draw small

Just so you know.

People tell me, "Dude, you draw really small." And I feel like I should share.

Total Recall

Guinea Pig Theatre:  Total Recall

My Marvel Villain fun isn't going to interfere with Guinea Pig Theatre.

When I was a kid Total Recall was very high on my list of favorite movies. I was totally into Arnold; Terminator, Commando, Predator, Running Man and Total Recall were my jams. There are many scenes I could've done: three booby lady, "i've got 5 kids to feed," COPENHAGEN!, the fat lady head, removing the homing device, etc. etc.

No. 85

Don't be sad, only 15 more to go.

G is for Grey Gargoyle

G is for Grey Gargoyle

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Another French villain relegated to the bottom of the Villain Heirarchy. Grey Gargoyle can turn anything he touches into stone - which if you think about it, is pretty intense. He's not changing you back, you know. He touches you, you're stone.
He's fought Thor and Iron Man, he's been in the Masters of Evil a couple of times.

Look, I'm just saying...I can't remember seeing him ever turn any heroes to stone.

So what's he doing?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

F is for Fixer

F is for Fixer

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

You know, I'm going to be honest. The Fixer isn't all *that* lame.

Okay, so originally he ran around with Mentallo (Lame enough to make this list, but didn't) and fought the Micronauts. Lame-ish.

He was frequently Baron Zemo's No. 2 in the Masters of Evil - he's put a hurt at one time or another on Captain America, NIck Fury, The Thing, The Black Knight. I mean, sure, he just has a bunch of gadgets but, well, they're good gadgets.

Later on when he joined the Fake-Good-Guys-But-Really-Bad-Guys group The Thunderbolts he became Techno and acquired a truly horrendous outfit. And he did great evils. Then he became a robot and became even more evil. Nothing as evil as that outfit, though.

Here he is. The Fabulous Fixer.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

E is for Enforcers

E is for The Enforcers

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

I love the Enforcers. In fact, I'm not going to say anything bad about them

Early, early Spider-Man villains they are the working class of the Villain Underground.

From left to right:
Montana is a lasso expert. That's right. He can rope you. If memory serves, Montana is the brains of the team, which isn't saying much. His expertise is a rope.
Ox is the muscle. He's, you know, strong as an ox.
Fancy Dan is both stylish and a master of judo.

Do The Enforcers fight the Avengers? Of course not.
The Enforcers do collections for your protection racket.
Do The Enforcers have a rocket ship? Or anything?
No. They usually work for an even more obscure character called Mr. Big and generally show up doing a little work for your normal street level boss-types (Kingpin, The Hood, Norman Osbourne, Crime Master, etc).

I love them. Blue Collar Super Villains.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

D is for Destiny

D is for Destiny

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Destiny is an X-Villain. Here's her powers: she can see the future.

That's awesome. Right? Could be, but in this instance she mostly just "predicts" things. She's like a super psychic hotline. That's it.

She's also an old, blind, lesbian.

Monday, December 7, 2009

C is for Chameleon

C is for Chameleon

Chameleon is Spider-Man's first villain - a master of disguise and impersonation, he can be anyone, anywhere. Which seems like a pretty sweet setup for a villain. I mean, look at Mystique over in the X-Men books, she's taken pretty seriously. Chameleon's brother was Kraven, who's always been taken seriously, so that's got to hurt too.
As far as I can tell, Chameleon has been killed 3 times, and all three times it was just ignored. I mean, you know you're a barely worth a darn character when no one even cares that you're dead. Kraven, his brother? Died once and has pretty much stayed dead. A true sign of comic respect.
Chameleon has squared off not only with Spider-Man but also Daredevil, Hank Pym (Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Yellowjacket, Wasp, etc...), he even went at the Hulk a couple times. BUT,in his career he's been bested by Aunt May.
Look, everyone has an embarrassing loss. I mean, the Power Pack is a bunch of kids and they got over on their fair share of villains, these little villainous trip ups happen to the best of them (Thanos AND Dr. Doom have both been beaten by Squirrel Girl, you know). But we're talking AUNT MAY here. A frequently ill, sometimes dead Octogenarian. And she beat him with cookies.

Sad.

Poor Chameleon.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Batroc, The Leaper

Batroc, The Leaper

B is for Batroc


ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Batroc is high on my list of favorite villains right now. And he, also, rocks the purple and orange...and fights captain america. There's a theme, going on here.

Batroc, The Leaper, is french. And he really isn't all that villainous - sure he takes place in the occasional heist, and is always doing mercenary work, but really? He just wants to fight. doing my research I found several appearances where he started HELPING Captain America out. What a dude.

Batroc is the master of Savate - French Kickboxing - which is as obscure as he is.

Batroc has sort of become a punchline for the Marvel Universe - but, honestly, he's a Kirby character. He's not all that bad.

I really like him. HE'S A FRENCH KICK BOXER.

Oh and he started a gang of mediocre villainy called The Batroc's Brigade. I wish I could tell you that The Brigade made this list, but sadly they were so D-List I couldn't bear it. It intially consisted of The Swordsman and The Living Laser. The Swordsman became a good guy, was an Avenger, then died. Living Laser used to be a dude but now he's a dude made out of light. They were replaced by Porcupine and Whirlwind. Both are pretty much what they sound like. THEN it got so bad they made up new guys to put on the team, with standard stupid 90s era names like Machete and Zaran.

Poor Batroc.

I really adore him.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy (Villain A Day)

So as you know I'm closing down Guinea Pig Theatre as of No. 100 (that's 16 weeks a way, don't be too sad) but I'm still going to do other things and this is probably one of them. For the rest of 2009 each day I'm going to post another villain. It's the ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy, or a Villain A Day or whatever you want to call it.

Also, I haven't had a cigarette in 3 weeks. Go me!

So we start with Arnim Zola

A is for Arnim Zola

Arnim Zola is a Mad Scientist stuck in a robot body. Maybe stuck isn't the word. He made the body, I guess. He worked for Hitler, fought Captain America, made robots and gave them stupid names like Primus and Doughboy and he wears purple and orange without shame.

Also, he has a tiny box for a robot head.

And there's a bad rhyme that will carry through the whole mess, obviously. And I mean bad. We're talking AA/BB at the lowest level.

Check back tomorrow for B!


(Guinea Pig Theatre will still post on it's Friday/Saturdayly schedule)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Raising Arizona

Guinea Pig Theatre: Raising Arizona

Guinea Pig Theatre No. 84

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Forrest Gump

Guinea Pig Theatre:  Forrest Gump

Number 82

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday the 13th

Guinea Pig Theatre: Friday the 13th

Oh yeah, today's friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees Guinea.

Possible Vacation Week



I did this with odosketch in like six seconds. that's how cool odosketch is, but I'm sure you've all already went and played with it. I may take this weekend off. I've been overworked lately. Unless someone wants to email me an awesome suggestion.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Big Lebowski

Guinea Pig Theatre: The Big Lebowski

Eight year olds, dude.

Hey how about a rare treat. I actually did this rough Big Lebowski GPT over a year ago.
check it out:

GPTLebowski

I'm better than I used to be, right?

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Dawn Of The Dead

Guinea Pig Theatre: Dawn Of The Dead

Happy Halloween!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Guinea Pig Rescue

Hey, you may have noticed I've added a new little clicker there to the right.
It's not for me, it's for the people at GUINEA PIG RESCUE
They do great things like save guinea pigs from bad situations, do adoptions and offer a whole lot of super good information on guinea pig care.
They do a lot of good for the cavy universe. Those Guineas are little guys and it's always nice to see someone stand up for them. But it's not cheap, especially when you're one of the few groups out there doing anything to help. So please, if you can, send them a couple of bucks.
You can do other things besides send cash too - they take used toner cartridges, amongst other things. Feel free to click to the right and throw whatever extra you may have and please go check out their site.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

Guinea Pig Theatre: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

Wife requested this a year ago.
This month has been so hectic and stressful it was all I was able to squeeze in. Hopefully next week's will be awesome.
Or, at least, as awesome as GPT gets.

It should be noted, the Guineas HATE wearing makeup.

They do love ninja kicks though.

Monday, October 12, 2009

True Romance

Okay, no time for a new one. But here's one that hasn't been posted on the site before.
This was one of the very firsts that I did. It's sort of terrible. But it is one of my favorite movie lines of all-time.

Guinea Pig Theatre: True Romance


I've also realized that all of the GPTs that I count as building up to the 100 are not on this site. So I'm going to have to post a couple of oldies down the road.

I hope you don't mind.

I love you all.

The Guineas say they love most of you. And the ones they don't love will know who they are talking about.

I do not know what that means.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Small Delay

It's been the week from hell for me, folks. More work than really anyone should have to undertake and zero time for anything else besides sleeping - so I'm really hoping to get a GPT up tomorrow, but if not I promise Monday at some time.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Harvey

Guinea Pig Theatre: Harvey

I love Harvey.
I love Jimmy Stewart.

I should re-evaluate my life, try to be grow more into an Elwood P Dowd as I get older.

I'll need business cards.

And a Pooka.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Road House

Guinea Pig Theatre:  Road House

I fucking love Road House.

Love it.

Guinea Pig Theatre No. 75

Friday, September 18, 2009

Hook

Guinea Pig Theatre: Hook

RUFIO! RUFIO! RUFI-

OOOOHHHHHH!

Guinea Pig Theatre No. 74

You know what that means*.

*(only 26 more to go)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Murder By Death Tweet

I just heard that awesome band, Murder By Death, is using that guinea pig picture I made of them as their twitter picture.

http://twitter.com/MBDband

Thanks, guys and girl!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Three O'Clock High

GPT: Three O'Clock High

Do not mess with Buddy Revell. I'm not kidding.

And don't touch him! He hates to be touched!

OMG YOU TOUCHED HIM?!?!

High School HiJinks ensue.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Star Wars

Guinea Pig Theatre:  Star Wars

Only 28 more Guinea Pig Theatres to go - if you have a request PLEASE jump in.
For sure, there will be a few more Wes Anderson's, The Princess Bride, the much requested Hook, one of my all time favorites 3 O'Clock High.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Disney bought Marvel

Iron Mickey

I'm sure you all heard about this. I saw an awesome MODOK/Donald Duck combo and felt compelled to do my own. If this turns into an unstoppable swelling internet meme keep in mind who was near the forefront.



Also, I'm at No. 71 in GPT episodes - and I'm not REAL sure I'm going to take it past 100, so get your requests in ASAP.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Transformers The Movie

Guinea Pig Theatre: Transformer The Movie


Robots in disguise for my friend Bruce's birthday.

Robot Guinea Pigs? Not easy to do...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday, August 14, 2009

Yellow Submarine

Guinea Pig Theatre: Yellow Submarine

As per request of one of my oldest and dearest friends...

Old Fred: Hey, what would your friends be doing here?
Ringo: Displaying.
Old Fred: Displaying what?
Ringo: Dis-playing around.

Friday, August 7, 2009

BASEketball

Guinea Pig Theatre: BASEketball

"I thought we agreed - no more Journey Psyche-Outs!"


Also, in honor of the passing of John Hughes, I give you Ferris Bueller's Day Off - (previously posted)

Guinea Pig Theatre: Ferris Buehler's Day Off