F is for Fixer

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

You know, I'm going to be honest. The Fixer isn't all *that* lame.

Okay, so originally he ran around with Mentallo (Lame enough to make this list, but didn't) and fought the Micronauts. Lame-ish.

He was frequently Baron Zemo's No. 2 in the Masters of Evil - he's put a hurt at one time or another on Captain America, NIck Fury, The Thing, The Black Knight. I mean, sure, he just has a bunch of gadgets but, well, they're good gadgets.

Later on when he joined the Fake-Good-Guys-But-Really-Bad-Guys group The Thunderbolts he became Techno and acquired a truly horrendous outfit. And he did great evils. Then he became a robot and became even more evil. Nothing as evil as that outfit, though.

Here he is. The Fabulous Fixer.

E is for Enforcers

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

I love the Enforcers. In fact, I'm not going to say anything bad about them

Early, early Spider-Man villains they are the working class of the Villain Underground.

From left to right:
Montana is a lasso expert. That's right. He can rope you. If memory serves, Montana is the brains of the team, which isn't saying much. His expertise is a rope.
Ox is the muscle. He's, you know, strong as an ox.
Fancy Dan is both stylish and a master of judo.

Do The Enforcers fight the Avengers? Of course not.
The Enforcers do collections for your protection racket.
Do The Enforcers have a rocket ship? Or anything?
No. They usually work for an even more obscure character called Mr. Big and generally show up doing a little work for your normal street level boss-types (Kingpin, The Hood, Norman Osbourne, Crime Master, etc).

I love them. Blue Collar Super Villains.

D is for Destiny

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Destiny is an X-Villain. Here's her powers: she can see the future.

That's awesome. Right? Could be, but in this instance she mostly just "predicts" things. She's like a super psychic hotline. That's it.

She's also an old, blind, lesbian.

C is for Chameleon

Chameleon is Spider-Man's first villain - a master of disguise and impersonation, he can be anyone, anywhere. Which seems like a pretty sweet setup for a villain. I mean, look at Mystique over in the X-Men books, she's taken pretty seriously. Chameleon's brother was Kraven, who's always been taken seriously, so that's got to hurt too.
As far as I can tell, Chameleon has been killed 3 times, and all three times it was just ignored. I mean, you know you're a barely worth a darn character when no one even cares that you're dead. Kraven, his brother? Died once and has pretty much stayed dead. A true sign of comic respect.
Chameleon has squared off not only with Spider-Man but also Daredevil, Hank Pym (Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Yellowjacket, Wasp, etc...), he even went at the Hulk a couple times. BUT,in his career he's been bested by Aunt May.
Look, everyone has an embarrassing loss. I mean, the Power Pack is a bunch of kids and they got over on their fair share of villains, these little villainous trip ups happen to the best of them (Thanos AND Dr. Doom have both been beaten by Squirrel Girl, you know). But we're talking AUNT MAY here. A frequently ill, sometimes dead Octogenarian. And she beat him with cookies.

Sad.

Poor Chameleon.

Batroc, The Leaper

Batroc, The Leaper




ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy

Batroc is high on my list of favorite villains right now. And he, also, rocks the purple and orange...and fights captain america. There's a theme, going on here.

Batroc, The Leaper, is french. And he really isn't all that villainous - sure he takes place in the occasional heist, and is always doing mercenary work, but really? He just wants to fight. doing my research I found several appearances where he started HELPING Captain America out. What a dude.

Batroc is the master of Savate - French Kickboxing - which is as obscure as he is.

Batroc has sort of become a punchline for the Marvel Universe - but, honestly, he's a Kirby character. He's not all that bad.

I really like him. HE'S A FRENCH KICK BOXER.

Oh and he started a gang of mediocre villainy called The Batroc's Brigade. I wish I could tell you that The Brigade made this list, but sadly they were so D-List I couldn't bear it. It intially consisted of The Swordsman and The Living Laser. The Swordsman became a good guy, was an Avenger, then died. Living Laser used to be a dude but now he's a dude made out of light. They were replaced by Porcupine and Whirlwind. Both are pretty much what they sound like. THEN it got so bad they made up new guys to put on the team, with standard stupid 90s era names like Machete and Zaran.

Poor Batroc.

I really adore him.

ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy (Villain A Day)

So as you know I'm closing down Guinea Pig Theatre as of No. 100 (that's 16 weeks a way, don't be too sad) but I'm still going to do other things and this is probably one of them. For the rest of 2009 each day I'm going to post another villain. It's the ABCs of Mediocre Marvel Villainy, or a Villain A Day or whatever you want to call it.

Also, I haven't had a cigarette in 3 weeks. Go me!

So we start with Arnim Zola



Arnim Zola is a Mad Scientist stuck in a robot body. Maybe stuck isn't the word. He made the body, I guess. He worked for Hitler, fought Captain America, made robots and gave them stupid names like Primus and Doughboy and he wears purple and orange without shame.

Also, he has a tiny box for a robot head.

And there's a bad rhyme that will carry through the whole mess, obviously. And I mean bad. We're talking AA/BB at the lowest level.

Check back tomorrow for B!


(Guinea Pig Theatre will still post on it's Friday/Saturdayly schedule)

Raising Arizona

Guinea Pig Theatre No. 84